I had a conversion-like experience at the age of 17, it was both spiritual and existential. I felt alone, abandoned, abused and discarded. But I had a personal-like experience with an unseen God. It was like in a moment, He satisfied all of the questions my active mind was asking and then He showed up and quenched the thirst of my parched soul. I may have felt true love for the first time that night. I was suicidal, wrapped up in pain. I put the pills down and chose to enter into relationship with this unseen God.
The moment I chose to receive this mysterious love, I received a “calling” that gripped my life and embedded a conviction to action that has defined me. I chose to embody the life I always wished someone else had shown me. I wanted to be the leader I never had. This ‘calling’ has not made me famous or made me a fortune, in fact it has invited me into the world of anonymity and not fitting in within a world of competing values than that of the Kingdom of God. But I’m mostly grateful because the things I have done and the things I have attempted, I did with a clear conscience and a desire to bring the world more of the goodness of the One who created us all.
I am now in a space of questioning my original ‘calling’. Perhaps not so much in leaving it, but allowing it to grow out of it’s original cocoon and transform into something new. Things are not as I suppose they would be but in their own way, they are quite beautiful. I have no regrets and no complaints, but my heart desires to be free. I want to see the future as a purposeful and heartfelt intention towards meaning and soulful work. My life is at least more than half over, I want it all to count. The darkness in this world needs light.
So ‘hurry back to me, my wild callin’, but not my old calling, a new one that I don’t have capacity to grab onto but rather one that is untamed and wants to grab a hold of me. Life is a mystery, I don’t want a box of known outcomes, I want the adventure of discovery and deep learnings. God cannot be tamed, He is wild, but I’ve learned He is good. Hurry Back . . .